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Great jokes

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Old 07-21-2011, 05:56 AM   #1
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Default Great jokes

Passing along an email.....

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be."

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen." said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

A priest was delivering a sermon entitled "Stand Still and let the good Lord Fight your battles", on the topic of not fighting but letting God vanquish evil himself. As he was delivering the sermon, a gust of wind lifted his garment and the congregation noticed he was carrying a gun.
After the service a congregant asked him, "I understood your sermon, but aren't you contradicting yourself by carrying a gun? You did say you are supposed to let the Lord fight your battles for you?"
"I do", said the priest "the gun is just to hold them off until the Lord gets here".

A woman is at the funeral of her late husband. She is crying and several of her friends come over to try and console her. They talk about what a good man he was and how he really enjoyed hunting and shooting. The wife agrees with them and tells them his last words were about guns. Asked what his last words were his wife replies "Watch out honey, that might be loaded!!"

Two guys were out hiking. One guy was proudly wearing a .22 pistol on his hip. The other guy asked him what it was for. The guy replies, "In case we run across a grizzly bear!". The first guy says, "You can't stop a grizzly bear with a .22!" The second guy replies, "I don't need to stop the grizzly bear, I just need to slow you down..."

A man is quietly watching television at home, and hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it is a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly calls up the local zoo autorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovering unit is on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver takes from the back of the truck a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the guy ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: ‘First I’ll climb up there with the ladder, then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua dog will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…’ Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge shotgun? ‘Well… ’ explains the experienced gorilla retriever, ’It’s just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog.’

Two rich old city men are sitting at a coffee table having their morning coffee when one looks at the other and exclaims, " we should go bear hunting so we can get an authentic bear skin rug." The other friend agrees so they buy the nicest Jeep equipped with the findest off roading equipment money can buy, the best rifles and hunting gear, and head to Alaska to find a Grizzly.
Sure enough, they find one and as they are hauling out the carcass they come across a game warden. "Nice Grizzly you've got there guys. Mind if I see your hunting licenses?" Surprised, the men responded,"Licenses? we didnt know we needed a license to hunt a grizzly." The game warden shook his head and informed them that he would need to confiscate the bear as well as their rifles and jeep.
That evening, a little upset, the men are sitting at a local bar recalling the insident and they decide to give it another try. This time they buy the best 4x4 truck they can find, the best rifles money can buy, the best overall hunting gear, and are sure to buy their licenses before heading into the woods. Sure enough, they get another bear.. bigger than the first one. As they are hauling the bear out on the 4x4, they come across the same warden. "Can I see your licenses?" The men smile real big and produce the licenses without hesitation. "Very good, very good. Can I see your Bear tag?" With an extreme look of surprise the men just swallow and reponsd, "Tag?" The warden just shakes his head. "Sorry guys, I am going to have to take your bear, truck, and guns. You cannot hunt bear without the proper tags."
Later that evening the men are sitting in the bar and both are pissed. As a matter of principle and stubborness they are determined to leave with a Bear. So, they buy a new truck, even nicer than the first two, they buy the nicest rifles and best gear in town, and make sure to get the proper tags before heading out one more time. Sure enough, they find and kill another bear.. even bigger than the first two. As before, they come across the same warden on the way out of the woods. "Nice Bear guys. He is even bigger than the others. Can I see your licenses?" Grinning from ear to ear they both produce their licenses and tags. Satisfied that they have all the legalities covered , the warden compliments them on their bear but cannot help but ask why the shot the bear 3 times!!! once through both paws and once through the head. "The older man who shot the bear quickly corrected him... "NO!!!, I only shot him once, he threw up his paws when my friend shined the light in his face.
"Alright guys, going to need to confiscate your bear,guns........"
"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."
Daniel Boone

"Among the many misdeeds of British rule in India, history will look upon the Act depriving a whole nation of arms as the blackest."
-- Mohandas Gandhi

"The world is filled with violence. Because criminals carry guns, we decent law-abiding citizens should also have guns. Otherwise they will win and the decent people will lose."
-James Earl Jones
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Old 07-21-2011, 11:26 AM   #2
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Default Re: Great jokes

What's a ".12 gauge"? Never heard you say that one and I live with you!!!
"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for his country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards." - Theodore Roosevelt
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Old 07-21-2011, 01:46 PM   #3
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Default Re: Great jokes

this one made my day!
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