18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have:

Discussion in 'Vintage Topic Archive (Sept - 2009)' started by NDS, May 20, 2008.

  1. 1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

    2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

    3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.

    4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.

    5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.

    6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.

    7. An unstamped passport.

    8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

    9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

    10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.

    11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

    12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

    13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."

    14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.

    15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.

    16. A secret handshake.

    17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.

    18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop…"

  2. Strangerous

    Strangerous Member

    hmmm... *Forwards to Sgt's e-mail*

  3. LOL Good ones! I'm guilty of a couple hehehe
  4. AndrewST

    AndrewST Guest

    Damn I am screwed...
  5. neothespian

    neothespian Member


    I'm going to have to disagree (in good spirit of course)

    -I have a lucky T-Shirt. It's a Flogging Molly T that I got in 2002 when I worked the c-list celebrity stage at a punk tour in Atlanta, and was the first time I ever bagged a groupie!!!

    -Black eyes not manly?? You should be SMART enough to walk away from a fight you know you're going to lose? Where I grew up, fighting a fight you KNEW you were going to lose, but fighting it on PRINCIPLE was a more noble thing!

    -Never be without a buisness card? Only if that card has your union local number on it....

    -I have swiped many a fine pint glass in my day....some of which hold very special memories...

    -NEVER give up Olympic dreams. If a Greek guy with BOTH LEGS amputated can STILL qualify to compete in the olympics (check it out...pretty cool stuff), then my friend, dreams are still alive

    -My witty signature stays. Malcom Renoylds is a model of a Captain!!

    -Given what I did to pay the bills up until this week, the typical response to "So, how was last night" began with "So I said to the cop..."

    (All in good fun...except for the T-Shirt.)
  6. elguapo

    elguapo Guest

    Lets see:

    Have to update my passport: Every country there was when I was younger.

    #9: anyone who lives life, knows that sometimes that having less then $20 is like that: #### just happens.

    #11: apparently this guy dont hang out with car guys. Which means, the only good beer, is FREE beer.

    #12 You hang around folks enough, you have your own language, lol

    #18 Usually that story comes from question #9, and in good company!
  7. Uraijit

    Uraijit Guest


    Mine says "Every time you forward junk e-mail, God kills a kitten" It's a cordial way of saying, "Don't send me F***ing junk e-mails, k?"

    A real man knows how to drive his happy ass to the grocery store...

    Agreed. I've had my share of "Gamer's Thumb", but after 22 or so, it's time to grow up.

    Agreed. How sad are you?

    I don't have a shirt that I consider "lucky" per se, but I do have a shirt with a leprechaun on it, that does say "Lucky" on it...

    How about no passport at all? A real man knows that staying home and taking care of your shit, comes before going and seeing the world. Backpacking through Europe is all well and good if you're in college, and struggling with your sexuality, but real men don't need to do that to "find themselves". Take care of business, then worry about seeing the sites.

    Curling and archery? And how are these dreams anymore acceptable than some other Olympic sport? A real man, if he had the desire for Olympic Glory, would do what it took to make it happen. Dreams and fantasy are two different things entirely.

    Since when are coffee and bagels "Man Food"? 'nuff said.

    My friend has a name for his: "The Captain". Naturally, I am obligated to refer to mine as "The Admiral", around him. ;)

    Does a real man have such a $hitty reality that he must get drunk in order to cope? A real man doesn't require chemical assistance in order to deal with life.

    Persons of wit generally recognize wit in others, and can appreciate it. Relying solely on movie quotes for your comedic reputuar is sad indeed, but occasional echoing of a classic line is fine... Saying "Wasssaaaaaaaap", however, is just retarded...

    A futon at all, or a futon as your bed?




    As part of your dining set, yes. But having some "beater" cups, for working in the shop, etc. Are part of EVERY real man's dish collection.

    Depends on if you were in the back seat of cop's car or not. Nothing wrong with talking to cops...
  8. wd6bgn

    wd6bgn Guest

    On the passport. I just came back from a trip from Fl, to San Deigo Ca, via, Dubi SQ, Kewate, and Japan. My new passport dosn't have one stamp in it. (!) The new passports have a "reader" strip in them. It's all done with the electrons now. I guess the next step it to make the passport look like a drivers lisc. <sigh>
  9. The next step is when they put a barcode on your palm ;)
  10. My friend has a name for his: "The Captain". Naturally, I am obligated to refer to mine as "The Admiral", around him.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  11. Carbin8r

    Carbin8r Member

    I must disagree on the keychain bottle opener. Yes, there are many ways to get that bottle opened, but I'll be damned if I am going to risk spilling my beer over some rediculous standard! The beer take precidence!

  12. Uraijit

    Uraijit Guest

    If you can't open it without spilling, you're probably drunk enough already.
  13. baldy

    baldy Member

    Ok, I'll have a go...

    Oh, I don't know. Back when I was a bouncer, I worked for a while at a cowboy bar. The good old boys would whomp the poo out of each other just cause they hadn't in a while. The proper way to deal with a black eye (your own): laugh loudly and launch into an animated re-telling of the entire fight starting with exactly how hot the chick was, exhaustively covering the escalation between you and your buddy as you competed for attention, a quick recap of how you both ended up tumbling down a flight of stairs in a whirling tangle of fists and feet, and wrapping up with detailed instructions on the best way to get fingerprint ink off your fingers before showing up to work 3 hours later. Optional: depending on time limitations, you may include a sidebar story which violates rule #18.

    Agreed. Don't damage your professional reputation by attaching sappy lines to your emails. Do it by forwarding porn to everyone in the office.

    She does not expect this and will secretly question your manhood if you take this too far. Things a man should have in his 'fridge, kitchen, and pantry: meat, a few cans of beans, potatoes, a couple of carrots, a wilting head of lettuce (don't eat it, just replace it periodically), bread, beer, a half-way decent bottle of wine, bourbon, eggs, bacon, and a jar of pork fat . If you can't make someone happy with this, kill yourself now.

    Men should not have PlayStations nor should they play with them unless they are playing along with their kids. Playing time in this case should be limited to about 30 minutes and the kid should ALWAYS win. You're a MAN, dagnabbit! You should be as good at playing video games as you are at shopping for pretty shoes.

    Again, you're a MAN. The world is your bottle opener. Come to think of it, the world is also your ashtray, spittoon, and napkin.

    Lucky hats are ok, though. In some fly fishing circles, they are almost mandatory.

    Bonus points for getting a "flag" on your passport that earns you a free strip-search every time you go through customs.


    A real man sends out an underling for the coffee and bagels.

    But never turn down a free beer.

    But it does remind people that you have a great memory!

    The author of these rules obviously hasn't been with a certain class of "lady."

    Second on the previous "meh."

    You can also mount Nerf hoops in the bathroom directly across from the throne. You may be there a while so you might as well get some practice in while you're there.

    Secret handshakes are only ok if you're a Mason. Or a seriously wealthy. Or both.

    If these glasses are stolen, they immediately become the best glasses ever.

    See rule #1.

    SHOOTER Z Well-Known Member

    I disagree! A real man does cry and if you say you don't you are a damn lier :evil:
  15. Strangerous

    Strangerous Member

    Real men don't cry over stupid, pointless shit. Only things such as death of a loved one and injury permit the crying of a man.
    If you don't agree with that I call you a damn WOman. :evil:
  16. AnArmyofRon

    AnArmyofRon Guest

    no black eye=sissy (the reason I didn't speak my mind is because you are bigger than me and I was afraid you might hit me)
  17. Oneofsix

    Oneofsix Member

    I once told a coworker "I have to go hold my magnum" as I headed to the men's room.
    What I didn't tell him was I meant the one in the Smartcarry! :twisted: