Adult Joke!

Discussion in 'Vintage Topic Archive (Sept - 2009)' started by robertgreen_86, Dec 23, 2007.

  1. Got this in a e-mail thought it was funny!

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart".
     

  2. laubert75

    laubert75 Guest

    wow, i cant believe my wife went all the way to wlmart with our kids, its like 9 miles away!
     
  3. LOL! Good one. Oh and Laubert, wife or exwife? Might be the same thing soon if she ever reads that!
     
  4. here is another one.

    The guts vs balls definition at the end is awesome.







    Man Laws

    1:Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss' car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.

    3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
    strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
    model and only when it's free.

    12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

    19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
    situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

    25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

    29: The only time two men are allowed to hold hands is if one is dangling over a cliff... and only then if family

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
     
  5. rodka

    rodka Member

    that wal mart joke is hilarious
     
  6. Any laws about holding a guys teeth while he fights? Years ago a friend of mine got in a fight, took his teeth out put them in a baggie and tossed them to me to hold while they fought.

    I felt kind of goofy holding them, but what else was there to do?
     
  7. lol you might be a red neck if..........................
     
  8. Guilty as charged unfortunately LOL

    And yes, I have outside furniture that used to be inside furniture and my house can be moved on wheels.
     
  9. hmmm.... GUTS or BALLS... that was hilarious.
     
  10. Yea that was pretty good, almost ran that one by the wife and thought it's best to chose my battles.
     
  11. man thats good stuff. I like the guts vs. balls and the wally world joke.
     
  12. Taurus, you can't even run that by your wife? INSTANT MAN CARD REVOCATION!!!!!!!! You have NEITHER "GUTS" OR "BALLS" for that one dude...


    Trust me, I am e-mailing that post to my wife as we speak.... That's hilarious!