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Creative Puns for Educated Minds

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism - a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His hrandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


SW
 

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LMAO...That's good.
 

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I have kleptomania,but when it gets bad, I take something
for it.


FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.


Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.


Heaven is where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized by the Italians.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it
used to be.


Welcome to Utah,
Set your watch back 20 years.


In just forty eight hours tomorrow will be yesterday.


A bartender is just a pharmacist -
with a limited inventory.


I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.


I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.


KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium -

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at
the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic
part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE -
Sometimes I even put it in the food.


Preserve the Spotted Owl -
(in formaldehyde).



Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.


Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy
green meat is bad for you.


I am having an out-of-money experience.


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman.
"There's hundreds of them!".


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.



Corduroy pillows are making headlines!


I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from
Tijuana.
 

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yall need to curl up with a good 'land of xanth' book ;)

Lexicon of Xanth
This is only a small lexicon. If you want a bigger one, buy the Visual Guide to Xanth.
I got these from someone else. All grammatical, factual, or other errors are not of my making. I did not read these over too thoroughly. It is only to give you an idea of what Xanth is like.

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Plant Life
Ances-tree - A tree whose branches split and break off into different branches till there is too many to count.
Armor-dillo - A small bush that grows the best armor.

Artis-trees - Trees with many artistic designs.

Boabab tree - Monstrous tree which towers way above the jungles, it grows upside down, with roots in the air and branches
underground.

Berry-Berries - Doubled berries that taste very good but slowly cause paralysis and wasting away.

Boot-Rear - Drink that comes from a tree that gives you a good kick in the rear when drank.

Burr - makes people very icy cold when touched

Casius-tree - very argumentative tree, very hair splitting.

Catnip - a tiny smelling plant with furry leaves

Curse Burrs - little balls of irritation that cling anywhere on a persons body and you have to curse at each one to get them off.

Heliotrope - Plant which imitates the suns heat and dehydrates everything around it.

Hypnogourd - A vine that grows melon looking fruit called gourds, each gourd contains a peephole. Anyone that looks in a
peephole is instantly trapped in the realm of bad dreams.

Justin Tree - A man transformed by Magician Trent into a tree. His bark is the color of Tanned flesh and leaves are shaped of
flattened hands. His talent is voice projection. He can talk to all un-transformed creatures.

Kraken - A seaweed monster, very dangerous.

Eye-Que vine - a vine that has eye-balls on it and when set on a persons head it dissolves. It makes a person think they are
smarter than they are.

Mys-tree - a tree that is difficult to figure out...

Neddle-cactus - a cacti that shoots needles at presumed enemies.

Noose Loop Bush - it loops a vine around intruders when they walk into it, capturing them.

Optical bush - contains sorts of glasses and contact lenses.

Passion fruit - Makes the person that eats it very passionate to the person there with....

Pumpkin - A gourd that inflates objects/things.

Resurrection Fern - Resurrects memories that people have, can be very painful or happy ones.

Reverse wood - Reverses the powers of magic or nulls it.

Silver Oak - A tree that is entirely silver and repels evil magic.

Stink horn - Plant shaped like a horn and smell and sound very funny when blown.

Stunflower - Stuns people with a radiant light.

Tangle Trees - Large tree with many vines/tentacles that attack and eat it's victims with the huge mouth on it's trunk.

Thyme - A plant that can speed up or slow down time. They come on many different types, Minute plant, day plant... so on...

Tree of immortality - tree that gives immortality, guarded by the maenads.

Tree of Seeds - a HUGE tree with EVERY type of seed growing on it. It in guarded by Simurgh.

Umbrella Tree - a tree that provides an umbrella like canopy to protect people/creatures from rain and so forth.

Vegetable Garden - A garden that grows all the vegetables that children dislike.

Water chestnut - nut filled with water.

Wild Oats - Trees that grow Nymph's for young men's pleasures.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Animal Life
Centaur - Crossbreed between a human and a man. The body of a horse with the upper half of a man.

Golem - A miniature man shaped figure made of clay, sticks and rags. Stands about a palms length high.

Zombie - The decaying remains of any deceased living creature.

Allegory - Has a long snout, resembles a crocodile.

Elf - Small human figure, stands 1/3 or less the height of a normal human. It can not go long away from it's tree.

Nymph - Forever young nude woman that lives forever. Cannot go long without being with it's tree or whatever else it's tied to (water, land, etc).

Faun - Human figure with goats legs.

Basilisk - Body of a flying lizard with the claws and head of a chicken, also called a cockatrice, henatrice and chickatrice.

Bed Monster - The monster under the bed that grabs the feet of young children and cannot come out in the light.

Brassies - Human figure, made of brass and live inside the gourd.

Brain Coral - Living creature hat protects the Demon X(A/N)TH from being bothered. It's pool can store living creatures for eons without aging them.

Cyclopes - One eyed giant. hairy with a human figure

Chobees - long reptilian bodies with long snouts and so seeming sharp teeth....

Copycat - looks like the mundane cat, it likes to copy things, such as papers and voices.

Cowboys - Men with the heads of cattle

Night Mares and Day Mares - Bringers of dreams, Night Mares bring Nightmare and Day Mares bring day dreams.

Goblins - disgusting ferocious little men that eat anything they can get their hands on. The females however are considered attractive.

Harpies - Foul mean birds with the head of a human. They are ugly and stink very bad and can curse like you wouldn't believe, but the males are supposed to be attractive. human/vulture crossbreeds.

Goblin/Harpy - Cross between a goblin and a harpy. They would be very attractive if conceived by a female goblin and a male harpy and very ugly if it were the other way around.

Demons - Creatures made of spirit without a soul, are heartless, crude and sometimes downright mean.

Dragonflies - a smaller dragon with wings

Dragons - come in man sizes and varieties. No need to explain dragons.

Mermaids - Human from waist up and fish from waist down.

Gnomes - humanoid, 1/3 the height of normal humans and reside mostly in underground regions.

Griffins - Head and wings of an eagle and body of a lion.

Hippogryph - Forepart of a Griffin and the body of a horse.

Hydra - Dragon with multiple heads, when one is cut off, two more grow in it's place.

Unicorn - Horse with a twisting pointed horn growing from it's forehead.

Maenads - crazy, wild women that like to eat people.

Magic Sniffer - has a long flute like snout and sniffs out magic.

Manticora - Head of a man, Body of a lion, Wings of a dragon and tail of a scorpion. Is about the size of a horse.

Midas Bug - turns everything it touches into gold.

Minotaur - Body of a man with a mean head of an angry bull.

Nickelodeon - Box like creature that plays music while consuming Nicklepedes.

Nicklepede - Forearm length creatures that are made of steel and have pinches that take nickle-sized bites out of living creatures. Also shapes and sizes vary with others of it's type, Centipedes, Dimepedes, Quarterpedes....

Ogres - Huge, UGLY humanoid monsters with heads uglier than a bowl of mush and with the strength of hundreds of men, they only talk in rhymes....

Roc - The largest of the birds. They like rock gardens and rock music. They can be very ferocious when aroused.

Salamander - Small lizard that shots fire out it's snout.

Loan shark - Hides in water with its fin sticking up and charges people an "arm and a leg" to get across..

Simurgh - The keeper of the tree of seeds, who has seen the world end many times..

Sphinx - Human face, Bull body, Wings of an eagle and legs of a lion. Very huge. In fact one is sleeping in a place called Egypt, Mundania.

Wiggles - dangerous worm-like creatures that fly through the air and put holes in everything in their path. Very dangerous indeed.

Stork - A mundane looking bird that delivers babies to the creatures of Xanth.

Troll - a creature much like the Goblins. They live under bridges.

Wyvern - Small flying dragons, barbed tail and only two legs. They can shoot fire from their snouts.

Yak - A mundane looking creature that can talk yours ears off.

Com pewter - A machine that can change reality in it's vicinity.

Naga - People with the lower body of a snake and upper body of a human, and can change to either of those species.
 

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Girl went fishing with 9 men and came back with a big red snapper.
 

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Not brainy, but some good ones here and there:

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

Alone: In bad company.

And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.

Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Are you brain-dead?

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~

As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?

Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

Converse with any plankton lately?

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?

Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Did your parents have any children that lived?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

Do you want do die stupid?

Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.

Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.

Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.

For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Go fart peas at the moon !!

Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Has the IQ of lint.

Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?

He can open his mail with that nose!

He can think without moving his lips!

He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.

He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.

He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. --From "Steel Magnolias"

He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.

He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.

He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.

He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.

He is so short his hair smell like feet

He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

He is so old that his blood type was discontinued. ~ Bill Dana ~

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.

He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a cup.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.

Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.

He's just visiting this planet.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He's so dense that light bends around him.

He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.

He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.

He's the first in his family born without a tail.

He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.

He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.

Hey, act your age -- senile!

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under his family tree.

His personality's split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.

His suitcase doesn't have a handle.

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?

I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see you are not worth it!

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)

I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!

I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?

I certainly hope you are sterile.

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.

I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.

I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.

I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

I heard that your brother was an only child.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!

I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!

I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?

I worship the ground that awaits you.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.

I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire!

I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!

I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but you have to do your part.

I'd like to have the spitting concession his grave.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks, llaje)

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.

I'd slap you senseless ... but I can't spare three seconds!

If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.

If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.

If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.

If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal the show.

If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if people ride you.

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

If you had another brain like the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
 

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Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm blonde, what's your excuse?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.

Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying your roots black.

You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.

You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.

Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too.


It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.

I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

People clap when they see you - their hands over their eyes or ears.

People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!

She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.

She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.

She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.

She was another one of his near Mrs.

She's a lot like train tracks - she's been laid across the country.

She's got a body that won't quit and a brain that won't start.

She's got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book.

She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

She's so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would play with her.

She's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road!

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.

So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.

So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

Some people don't hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.

Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!

Someday you'll go far, if you catch the right train.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and said, 'oh yes she is.'

Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.

Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a little early for Halloween?

Talk is cheap, but so are you.

That's a very meaty question and I'd like to give it a very meaty answer -baloney!

The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

The only thing he brought to this job was his car.

The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

There are only two things I dislike about her - her face.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.

They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it's between your ears!

They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the world.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you.

They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't miss a tree.

Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? --from "Lost In Space"

This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

Too bad stupidity isn't painful.

We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.

We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!

We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.

What color is the sky in your world?

What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.

What's the latest dope - besides you?

When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

When you feel terrific, notify your face.

When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.

When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

With a mind like yours, who needs a body?

Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.

Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.

You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

You are no longer beneath my contempt.

You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!

You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa.

You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jaywalking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car

You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is. (Thanks, Erin and Justin Keller)

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days.

You don't sweat much, for a fat girl.

You grow on people - like a wart!

You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!

You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

You have a speech impediment ... your foot.

You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?

You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.

You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.

You say that you are always bright and early. Well OK, we know you are early.

You should be the poster child for birth control.

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.

Your family tree is good but you are the sap.

Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.

Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.

You're acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever would.

You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.

You're so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.

You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.

You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World.

You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.

You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up.

You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.

You're so low you could milk a pregnant snake!

You're so old you drove a chariot to school.

You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes."

You're so small, you pose for trophies.

You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!

You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.

You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.

You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.

You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone.

You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.

You're so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border!

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
 
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