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Im sorry but this will fail if you hand it in.
Your really going to hand that in a to college comp teacher? This is not MLA or APA in any shape, beginning to end. You need to have someone read this and rewrite it. You cannot use "he, she, you I or me". it must be "one" and an MLA or APA paragraph is 5 sentences plus or minus 2. You hand this in and its going to look like someone cleaned a rabbit on it. Does you college have a writing lab? I wasn't perfect but I got good grades in comp and I have a BS degree. Most high schools do not prepare you for college comp so it's not your fault.
Don't get me wrong. Your points are nice, but they could care less about it. You could argue that eating feces is good for you and they would only care about the writing style.
 
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