Good joke, hope its a new one

Discussion in 'Vintage Topic Archive (Sept - 2009)' started by waltham41, May 15, 2008.

  1. I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili.

    Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your
    butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
    'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
    morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
    often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
    until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
    about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
    sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
    was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
    woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
    walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
    least will be able to relate.
    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
    terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
    trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

    Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
    burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
    someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
    way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
    the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
    said, ' Oh my God!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
    me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
    is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
    his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
    unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
    went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say- anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to
    repaint the store.
     
  2. SHOOTER Z

    SHOOTER Z Well-Known Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: I laughed so had I got tears in me eyes. Reminds me of the time back in the late 70's early 80's I was hit with gastric problems. I would have explosive diareha and massive stomach aches so bad I would really cry for 2 or 3 hours. One day I had such a sever ache my abdomen area bulged really bad abd I was in great distress So they called the ambulance for me, They put me on my left side [left sims position] and we went to the hospital the route was on a very windy and bouncy road about 1/2 way there I started releasing gas in vert long loud releases [my sister an EMT was with me in back] when we got to the hospital my sis, the EMT AND the driver were very green and looked like they were gonna hurl....I felt much better not a pain or anything. My sis told ma they had ALL the doors open for 1/2 an hour trying to air the ambulance out and folks walking by were gagging from the smell. The ER staff were puzzled why I was there till they all went out by the rig and got a wiff. My doctor was on duty in the ER that day and decided I need some tests right then and there and later did even more tests. Folks I've had gas and I've had stomach aches but nothing like that day. And THIS aint no joke!!!
     

  3. At the place where I used to work, there was this guy named Sam. Sam would get very bad gas. There was one day, he was on the complete other side of the shop, a section that was added on after the initial construction and had only a small door to the rest. And he let one off. And people throughout the shop were coughing and gagging. He thought it was hilarious.
     
  4. My youngest brother and his kids are the "pull my finger" type of people. I don't see the humor myself.
     
  5. griff30

    griff30 Member

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    For me, Penrose pickled eggs and Penrose pickled sausage, taken together is a noxious combination that some at work have named Napalm.

    Actually reminds me of the old marching cadence "Napalm sticks to kids"...
     
  6. Space

    Space Member

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    NH
    Funniest thing I have read in a very long time.....

    ROTFLMAO :)
     
  7. base871

    base871 Guest

    oh thats great! i always like watching the reaction on someones face when they walk into one of my gas clouds!! and wally world is the best place to do it! gun shows are also good, clears out the crowd next to the table! :shock:
     
  8. oh that is so funny im now gonna have to sue you waltham41 because I have spilled yet another beverage on my keyboard while reading a post on here. You guys think you have gas you never smelled " that damn cat just ran off with my fresh salmon I just caught, ate it now while im sleep fart" It was so bad it woke me from a very peaceful sleep. Only to turn on my light so see with incredible disgust a cloud of green gas coming from my cats nether regions as he lays on my bed. Giving me the im so cute I could never do anything wrong. I had to buy a new mattress after that incident if it wasn't for the fact that he saved my life I would have tossed him out the window.
     
  9. Thayldt21

    Thayldt21 Senior Member Member

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    I have had to have my wife buy new underwear and pants for me. At a Walmart.

    Anymore details would be tmth.
     
  10. sorry knight, your gonna have to learn to read these jokes with sunglasses on LOL or put saran wrap on the keyboard hehehe

    I have to admit, there has been a time or two that I have been in walmart and did a silent but deadly, and took off, and the wife is like "where are you going?" Me, muttering under my breath .... "Don't ask! Quick! next aisle!"
     
  11. wd6bgn

    wd6bgn Guest

    Waltham41, Man you missed the uh golden chance. You should have told the store manager, that you just ate there in the local in store burger place. And WHAT were they feeding you!!!???
    Anyway, blame it on the store. If nothing else it will "cloud" the issue. <sorry>

    Great story, I just wish I could say. "I never dun THAAAT!". but it would be a lie.

    Grins.
     
  12. Oh, I cried over that one, I laughed so hard I think I might of gotten a hernia from it!!! It reminds me of a time in grade school in English class. We all where assigned to read the passages to ourselves and I was all messed up inside. I had the rear quarters on serious lock down. When all of a sudden I had a sneeze from hell hit and I lost it. It was tremendous, echoing off the wooden chair and the brick walls. The guy next to me jumped back in his chair as if I blowed him away! Every student in the class jaw hit their table. The only thing I could do is stand up take a bow and tell the class to spread that on there toast and eat it. Needless to say I got kicked out of class.