1. Chuck Norris never loses a fight, unless he's fighting an evil doppelganger, then it's mutually assured destruction.
2. If Chuck Norris, and his wife, had a baby, it would cut it's own umbilical cord.
3. Chuck Norris' wife gives birth on the Total Gym.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about gas shortages, he just lets one rip into his cars gas tank.
5. Everclear is distilled Chuck Norris sweat.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't just pee excellence, it oozes out of every pore.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't get a zit, his beard has mortal combat with it.
8. Chuck Norris' Japanese Fighting Fish will kick your Japanese Fighting Fish's arse.
9. Chuck Norris doesn't get dirty ever, they made Teflon from the exact chemical makeup of his skin.
10. Chuck Norris' s**t
DOES smell like roses.
11. Chuck Norris doesn't need to shower, his body cleans itself.
12. Chuck Norris' flatulence is the cause of hurricanes, tornadoes, cyclones, and sand storms.
13. Chuck Norris only has one plant in his garden, it grows tomatoes, cucumbers, apples, oranges, bananas, pears, plums, lettuce, broccoli,
cauliflower, celery, eggplants...you get the idea.
14. Chuck Norris uses sandpaper instead of toilet paper.
15. Chuck Norris uses Sulfuric Acid for mouthwash.
16. Chuck Norris has to use pure Hydrochloric Acid in his commode, instead of water.
17. Chuck Norris uses his fingernails to carve sculptures in marble.
18. Chuck Norris doesn't watch TV, it watches him.
19. The farmer from the Farm Bureau commercials asks Chuck Norris for advice.
20. The US Government's newest plan for Mutually Assured Destruction
IS Chuck Norris.
21. I don't have a piece of toast with the image of the Virgin Mary; my toast has an image of Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris makes his own diamonds by squeezing coal between his pecks.
23. Chuck Norris built his house with just nails and some wood, no tools were required.
24. Chuck Norris uses his teeth to open cans.
25. Chuck Norris can solve a Rubik's cube in 2 moves.
26.
Deep Blue was programmed from Chuck Norris' own chess moves.
27. Chuck Norris uses his tongue to polish his diamonds.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't play nickle slot machines, he plays nickle Russian roulette.
29. Chuck Norris uses an angle grinder trim his finger and toenails.
30. Chuck Norris uses a stiff wire brush to clean his teeth.
31. Chuck Norris doesn't have to brush his hair, his hair brushes itself.
32. Chuck Norris' barber cuts Chuck Norris' hair with a chainsaw.
33. Chuck Norris' body hair puts a killer choke hold on mosquitoes before they can bite him.
34. If Chuck Norris were a spider, his web could catch elephants.
35. Chuck Norris doesn't wrestle alligators, they run for their life.
36. Al Gore may have invented the internet, but he asked Chuck Norris how to do it.
37. If Chuck Norris were a tree hugger, he'd hug sequoias.
38. Chuck Norris doesn't need the Hubble Telescope, he can see the Crab Nebula with his naked eye.
39. Chuck Norris doesn't need a fishing pole, he tells the fish to jump into the boat.
40. Chuck Norris hunts with his bare hands.
Devilsjackpot, change the original word with peepee. As in, "Chuck Norris can peepee his name in concrete."