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Had to be done: The Chuck Norris Thread

7K views 71 replies 34 participants last post by  Mstr33t 
#1 ·
I couldn't hijack another thread, so it HAD to exist.

-When pimps meet Chuck Norris, they give away their Cadillacs because in his presence, nothing else is as badass.

-Blood samples from Chuck Norris require a Federal Tax Stamp and a 14-day waiting period before being drawn.

-It is impossible to have a website dedicated to ONLY Chuck Norris, because he is too fast for broadband to keep up

Go with it as you will...
 
#5 ·
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
 
#6 ·
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Actually Chuck is a devote Christian so I don't think he plays anything with the devil and as for crying well he has cried on occassion [After all he is still a human] As for a great Karate instructor Yes he is I met him whan I was a kid and taking karate, nice guy
 
#7 ·
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
LMAO! Dude thats AWESOME!

SW
 
#8 ·
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

A pickup truck was totaled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
 
#10 ·
LMAO! Dude thats AWESOME!

SW
Just to keep the record strait. I got that one in an email with no author attached sooo.. its not mine:cry:

And Shooterz these are jokes and some are pretty funny but they are not fact :!: And yes I have met him too at a Karate Clinic in OK when my younger brother was taking Karate. He is a very nice down to earth guy and a good teacher!
 
#13 ·
#14 ·
Chuck Norris can catch a bullet in his teeth spit it out and kill a man while on the TOTAL GYM
 
#20 ·
The Word Filter stays guys. Even though this is a great thread, we are still a family oriented forum and will remain so.
 
#21 ·
1. Chuck Norris never loses a fight, unless he's fighting an evil doppelganger, then it's mutually assured destruction.

2. If Chuck Norris, and his wife, had a baby, it would cut it's own umbilical cord.

3. Chuck Norris' wife gives birth on the Total Gym.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about gas shortages, he just lets one rip into his cars gas tank.

5. Everclear is distilled Chuck Norris sweat.

6. Chuck Norris doesn't just pee excellence, it oozes out of every pore.

7. Chuck Norris doesn't get a zit, his beard has mortal combat with it.

8. Chuck Norris' Japanese Fighting Fish will kick your Japanese Fighting Fish's arse.

9. Chuck Norris doesn't get dirty ever, they made Teflon from the exact chemical makeup of his skin.

10. Chuck Norris' s**t DOES smell like roses.

11. Chuck Norris doesn't need to shower, his body cleans itself.

12. Chuck Norris' flatulence is the cause of hurricanes, tornadoes, cyclones, and sand storms.

13. Chuck Norris only has one plant in his garden, it grows tomatoes, cucumbers, apples, oranges, bananas, pears, plums, lettuce, broccoli,
cauliflower, celery, eggplants...you get the idea.

14. Chuck Norris uses sandpaper instead of toilet paper.

15. Chuck Norris uses Sulfuric Acid for mouthwash.

16. Chuck Norris has to use pure Hydrochloric Acid in his commode, instead of water.

17. Chuck Norris uses his fingernails to carve sculptures in marble.

18. Chuck Norris doesn't watch TV, it watches him.

19. The farmer from the Farm Bureau commercials asks Chuck Norris for advice.

20. The US Government's newest plan for Mutually Assured Destruction IS Chuck Norris.

21. I don't have a piece of toast with the image of the Virgin Mary; my toast has an image of Chuck Norris.

22. Chuck Norris makes his own diamonds by squeezing coal between his pecks.

23. Chuck Norris built his house with just nails and some wood, no tools were required.

24. Chuck Norris uses his teeth to open cans.

25. Chuck Norris can solve a Rubik's cube in 2 moves.

26. Deep Blue was programmed from Chuck Norris' own chess moves.

27. Chuck Norris uses his tongue to polish his diamonds.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't play nickle slot machines, he plays nickle Russian roulette.

29. Chuck Norris uses an angle grinder trim his finger and toenails.

30. Chuck Norris uses a stiff wire brush to clean his teeth.

31. Chuck Norris doesn't have to brush his hair, his hair brushes itself.

32. Chuck Norris' barber cuts Chuck Norris' hair with a chainsaw.

33. Chuck Norris' body hair puts a killer choke hold on mosquitoes before they can bite him.

34. If Chuck Norris were a spider, his web could catch elephants.

35. Chuck Norris doesn't wrestle alligators, they run for their life.

36. Al Gore may have invented the internet, but he asked Chuck Norris how to do it.

37. If Chuck Norris were a tree hugger, he'd hug sequoias.

38. Chuck Norris doesn't need the Hubble Telescope, he can see the Crab Nebula with his naked eye.

39. Chuck Norris doesn't need a fishing pole, he tells the fish to jump into the boat.

40. Chuck Norris hunts with his bare hands.

Devilsjackpot, change the original word with peepee. As in, "Chuck Norris can peepee his name in concrete."
 
#22 ·
Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1998 World Series of Poker with only a Joker , a get out of jail free card from monopoly, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green #4 card from UNO
 
#23 ·
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and crapped out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

perhaps the most appropriate, given the OP:

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

sorry, NEO :D
 
#24 ·
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I don't care how played out it might be... this never gets old

My current favourite that was sent to me by a friend of mine:

-Chuck Norris had cancer, but beat the hell out of it so bad, he sent cancer to hospice with terminal injuries

-Chuck Norris has so much skill, Steve McQueen took one look at him and said "Damn."
 
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