Joke

Discussion in 'Vintage Topic Archive (Sept - 2009)' started by Spot, Mar 5, 2008.

  1. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

    The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though
     
  2. urotu

    urotu Member

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    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You owe me a keyboard, this one is all sticky fm the coke I just spit all over it.
     

  3. HA! Forwarding to work email so it can sent out in the morning. Realy god stuff!
     
  4. Strangerous

    Strangerous Member

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    *shakes head* and :lol: ...we all know what spot looks at on the net!
     
  5. ...And a raised point to me dear "Li'll Daddy", me blessed and departed fadder 'i law.

    Gaw bless ye, sir!

    ===========

    Ahem.

    Now let me see if I can remember some of the bar jokes he used to tell......
     
  6. Thanks....I'm stealing it to email my friends as a Happy St. Paddys Day! :wink:
     
  7. jokes

    Heres a couple more jokes you guys might like! :)



    One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
    and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
    The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
    to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
    truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
    we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
    road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
    "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

    Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
    take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
    8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
    Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
    was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
    only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
    drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
    100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
    bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
    his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
    The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
    moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't **** with uncle Ted when he's
    been drinking."


    ANOTHER JOKE:


    The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
    "Hello?"
    "Hello, is this the FBI?"
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    "I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
    hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
    The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
    search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
    open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
    Thibodeaux and leave.
    The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
    "Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "Did they chop your firewood?"
    "Yep"
    "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
     
  8. geon

    geon Member

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    Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fricking business!!"
     
  9. Hope you like this one...

    A man traveling too fast failed to make a corner and ended up in the ditch.
    The only house in the area was home to an old farmer. The man knocked
    on the door and when the farmer answered, ask if he had a truck or tractor
    to pull his car out of the ditch.

    "No, but I have Bessie, my old mule", answered the farmer, "she can pull
    you out."

    Well, the farmer hooked up old Bessie to the car and then hollered, "Come
    on Jim, Pull!"

    Then he hollered, "Pull, Billie, Pull!"

    Next he hollered, "Let's go, Joe, Pull!"

    Finally he hollered, "Okay, Bessie, lets get to work!"

    With that Bessie pulled the car from the ditch. The car owner asked,
    "What was that all about? Who were those other names you called?"

    "Well," the farmer answered, "Bessie won't pull by herself. She wants
    to have help. But she is blind and don't know she's alone"
     
  10. lol these jokes are great!
     
  11. Strangerous

    Strangerous Member

    4,752
    0
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
    -----
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

    "And what do you deduce from that?"

    Watson ponders for a minute.

    "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"


    And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.â€
    -----
    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
    -----
    An Pomeranian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
    “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.â€
    The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.â€
    “But,†the dog replied, “that would make no sense t all!â€