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Ok so I sold my laptop a week ago due to Christmas being a few months away I knew for the kids sake we could use the extra cash. So I am sharing my wife's computer now. Two days ago I found that she was talking to her ex fiance about how she wishes things were different and how much she misses him. He talks about being lonely now that he doesn't have a girl friend again. Mind you this is someone who can't keep a job for more then a few months and when they were together he sat at home while she went to work at Giant Eagle 8 months pregnant. So far I haven't said anything because I just don't know what to say at this point. This wouldn't be a tough call to make if it wasn't for the three kids I don't want them to see me and her fight over this because that is what it will be because I know she is going to say that it isn't her fault. Well first she will deny and lie about it until I tell her she forgot to close the screen a few nights ago and that IM logging is turned on for AIM. She deletes his screen name after talking to him it turns out. Anyway I know this sounds silly as hell to be posting but I don't know what the heck to do because I don't want to get into a fight in front of the kids but I am not going to sit by and let her talk to him and who knows what happens in a month or so. Maybe some one here has been in a similar situation and still has their marriage intact?
 

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I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I can't tell you what to do or how to handle the situation. But I can tell a little about my experience.

My first wife and I were together from Nov. of 1993 to July of 2001. The first time she cheated on me that I know of was in the summer of 1994. I was young and stupid and figured she was young and would snap out of it. Well, she didn't. She had affair after affair after affair for the whole 7 to 8 years we were married. It was an addiction for her. She couldn't say no to a man that showed her any sort of attention at all, and she was my addiction. I loved her and would do anything for her.

But one day I came to my senses and realized that I wanted to be happy and that it wasn't going to happen with her. She had announced that she was having another affair and I said well... OK then. I let the other guy have her. In the end, he got what he deserved.

I realized that if she was not happy with me to the point that she would sleep around then she was NEVER going to be happy with me and she needed the boot. Several times during the marriage she would break off a relationship with someone only to go back to them a few months later because she said " she wishes things were different and how much she misses the other guy, and he talks about being lonely now that she is out of his life" yadda yadda. Sound familiar?

I lucked out. I divorced her, she got the clothes on her back, her car, and our daughter... I got everything else. Then three years later, I got our daughter too. It just goes to show what she was willing to give away in order to follow her own selfish perverted sex addictions.

Your wife may not have cheated or any of that. If she has not, then there is hope for saving your marriage. I strongly suggest that you buy the book "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. This book can help you save you marriage if it is still savable. Only you know if there is anything left.

I read the book with the intention of saving my marriage. But the book helped me realize that my marriage was beyond saving and that I was still worth something. My self esteem was shattered, and I felt unwanted and undesirable. But after reading the book I was able to take one step forward armed with the knowledge of the mistakes I myself made in that relationship.

I so hope for you that it works out and you can get through your tuff times.

Be kind, be gentle, love her till the end.
 

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One last thing, I forgot to tell you that if you should decide to read the book I suggested, do not show the book to her or even let her know you are reading it. It explains why not to show it to her in the first chapter of the book. I just got off work (I hate 3rd shift) and I can't remember the specifics. Just keep it to yourself until you get through it.
 

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in your case where the woman is the one cheating, it wont take long for a judge to hand most everything to you.

im gonna say if whe is talking like that, its probably boyond salvage. bail and get out before she hurts you anymore bro.

SW
 

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Print anything you can find on the puter, and move on.
 

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I'm going to have to agree with SW and Hobbles. Still secretly talking to the ex, clearing her tracks, telling him she wishes things were different.... If she were fully in love with you, she wouldnt be doing these things. You cant put up with this, even if you do love her. Its going to get ugly and its going to get there fast. At this point, how can you trust her? If you cant trust her, whats the point of being with her? Just remember, this is her fault and she messed up, so she should accept the consequences of her actions. Get some proof and talk to a divorce lawyer. Make yourself happy, and get out of this relationship.
 

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Well i know the fealing of a divorce.it felt like my life was over even though i ws the one to live
instead of wainting for her to but truse me,you will move on and you will be happy again and im
positive when i say you'll be more happy than before.it gets to be a pain with the dad and mom
after divorce due to the kids,well i speak for myself on that note but you wont be leaving your kids,
they will be there no matter who has full custody and as far as women go,there;s plenty of fish in the
sea.stay strong an god bless.
 

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Document everything you find. If you can, print out the IM log. Also, save a hard copy to disc or jumpdrive (since it could be argued that the printouts were manufactured). Note specific days and times that you have noticed that she has talked to him via IM, and keep a log. If she has a cell phone, get detailed billing and look for unfamiliar numbers that she calls or receives calls from regularly. And make sure that you do not say anything that could be taken as a tacit approval of her actions, even something as simple as "It's ok, we can work this out" can come back to bite you in the @$$ in these situations. Make note of whether there are sizable cash withdrawals from your bank account that are unexplained. You might also consider going ahead and opening a new checking account in your name only, keep it secret, and be prepared to move some money into it if you decide to file.

And of course, get a lawyer.
 

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The best way to get rid of that pesky ex that won't go away...



Just kidding, though it would be really tempting. I freaking hate hearing about people who cheat on their spouses, or even boyfriend/girlfriend. Freaking traitors, backstabbing, lowlifes. I'd go with the document everything you can find option, but I'd confront her about it first and see what happens. If she's been doing more than talking to him...kick her out the door and don't ever look back. If talking is as far as it's gotten I'd try counseling or something first. It would still be really tempting to take the guy out of the equation...but that's probably just my mind going.
 

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I would say address the issue without seeming confrontational about it, if that makes sense. Just bring up what you noticed and openly ask what's going on. Keep alert for BS and protect yourself, but don't make a snap decision right now. I admire your devotion to your kids and I think it would be best for them to find out what's happening before breaking up the family and if she is actually cheating it would be best for them to not grow up in a household with two parents that don't really love each other.

In the best case she might be chatting because she feels sorry for him or something and nothing physical or even really emotional has happened at all.

That being said, go with your gut. It will rarely lie to you.
 

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I would say address the issue without seeming confrontational about it, if that makes sense. Just bring up what you noticed and openly ask what's going on. Keep alert for BS and protect yourself, but don't make a snap decision right now. I admire your devotion to your kids and I think it would be best for them to find out what's happening before breaking up the family and if she is actually cheating it would be best for them to not grow up in a household with two parents that don't really love each other.

In the best case she might be chatting because she feels sorry for him or something and nothing physical or even really emotional has happened at all.

That being said, go with your gut. It will rarely lie to you.
Totally agree.

The bottom line is you have to ask yourself; do I want to try to salvage my marriage with my wife.

If you love your wife, don't be so quick to kick her to the curb until you have read the book.

Believe it or not, a marriage CAN be saved even after an affair (not saying there was one, just saying).

Take it from me, I have been right where you are right now and its not fun, in fact it downright sux. But it CAN be worked out once you figure out a few things about her. One of those things will be; what does she want.

Today's society is a "Throw Away" society. Too often we are just too quick to just get rid of it and get a new one. Don't be so quick to act in this fashion.
 

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i told my wife after we got married if she ever cheated, she was out. no try and make it work BS. if she wants to play games ill take my daughter and leave and she can do whatever she wants. she expects the same of me and we get along just fine. that doesnt mean we dont have some pretty epic fights over stuff but thats life.

SW
 

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i told my wife after we got married if she ever cheated, she was out. no try and make it work BS. if she wants to play games ill take my daughter and leave and she can do whatever she wants. she expects the same of me and we get along just fine. that doesnt mean we dont have some pretty epic fights over stuff but thats life.

SW
I told my fiance the same thing, that if she cheats, im gone. I'm too old to put up with that BS.
 

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ya got to watch what you say about that x.some of my words got twisted and back to her and the next thing
i know is im sitting at the dectives office explaing how much of a freaking trouble maker she is and which they
already new because my brothers a cop and has came to the house with other cops because of her and these
dectives new it but still had to talk to me.she gets pissed because she didnt get me locked up she hired a dang pi
i was told and had pics of my walking out the store with my hp 40 i had bought earlier this year so i got pissed and
paranoid and took it back.well fk her and i wont be taking anything back now.shes made such a retartd out of herself
with the things she did trying to lock me up and couldnt she dont even come around anymore.the whole police department
new she was just a looser bch.
 

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Well I am fairly young and have only been married a little over 11 years but here is my advice anyway take it for what you will. I say find a babysitter for the kids for a night maybe grandma or something? and then ask her about it and see how up front she is about it, maybe she will be honest and maybe not. Then if she is not honest and it turns into a fight the kids won't see but realistically none of us can really tell you what to do. I would say if it wasn't for the kids it would be much easier to cut your losses and leave but it will not be that simple. It is obvious you don't want to hurt your kids being that you don't want to fight in front of them but lets face the facts they are going to be affected one way or the other so just be sure to keep your best interests and the kids best interest in the forefront and do whatever is right based on that. I also think kids are far more observant than a lot of people give them credit for and often know of problems without being told.

Good luck with whatever the outcome is
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks guys I still have not said anything to her yet. Thing is she did cheat on me before but not with this guy it was with her ex bf he was after this guy and before me. I was foolish enough to forgive her and then I caught her talking to him 3 times again behind my back. Then I once busted her talking to this guy before about "why they didn't work out" I used to keep tabs on her email and such but now she has way too many options for me to even try and keep track. I was reading this guys facebook today and he is posting about how he is lonley and crap. Its funny you posted a pic of a Mossin because I was sitting at the computer this morning thinking to message him about being able to take someone out with it 2 counties over and the bullet not needing to hit because the shockwave will take care of it. LOL sorry I use humor to cope I think I would have packed and left by now if it wasn't for my kids. Part of me is seriously thinking to just ignore it until she leaves with him or it gets worse.
 

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I ain't no Dr. Phil (thank God) but as an older fella that went through the same thing many years ago I can say..The seed has been planted in your mind..and the other halfs as well..Take the advice of the baby sitter and try a NICE q&a session and see what's said. You'll know then. No matter what happens be nice and LEAVE ASAP if yelling happens..it's to easy for a domestic violence charge to hit ya and screw up some of your future life. (I've never had to deal with that but I know a few who have..they can't get a CCW now) Let common sense lead your heart dude..you'll know what's good..or bad. In the end no matter what you need to be happy before you can make anyone else happy. (it's a two-way street also)
 

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Oh wait a second... She already cheated once? And then continued to talk to the first fling until caught again? And now she's talking to another ex behind your back?? If it was a mistake and she really valued the relationship and your trust or feelings then it would have all STOPPED after the first affair. I'm tempted, as bad of news as this might be, to say that she's never going to stop cheating and that if you stick with her you're always going to have to be wondering about this kind of crap.

You should still find out... but that news kind of changes my opinion of the situation.
 

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Advice...punt.
 
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