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In an unprecedented move, the Nobel Prize committee has stripped President Barack Obama of the Nobel Peace Prize they awarded him less than 24 hours ago. Details are still coming out of Oslo, home of the five-member committee, but early reports indicate the committee has reconvened in an emergency session the result of which has been the announcing of a new Peace Prize winner.

It seems that upon hearing of President Obama's selection as the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, a virtually unknown individual has stepped forth onto the global stage to wrest the award from the hands of only the third U.S. President to win the Nobel while in office.

This individual, Daniel G. Warner, a 28 year old man from Ohio, is now the 2009 winner. Mr. Warner, a member of the well-known and respected Hi-Point Firearms Forum or HPFF (www.hipointfirearmsforums.com) and all-around incredible guy has stepped from virtual obscurity into the global spotlight.

The reason for the Nobel committee's decision to give the Peace Prize to Mr. Warner (or "Stonebridge" as he prefers to be called on the HPFF) stems from a press conference he himself called at approximately 10:00 a.m. EST. During this press conference Mr. Warner made public some shocking revelations to both the media and the Nobel committee.

Mr. Warner explained in detail that there were several key factors that the Oslo panel overlooked in their selection of Mr. Obama. He listed these factors as "things I'd like to do for the betterment of all mankind."

First, Mr. Warner promised the world at large that he will single-handedly cure cancer within the next seven years. While the procedure Mr. Warner will use to cure cancer has not yet been made public for patent and liability reasons, he did disclose that the original batch of cancer-curing elixir was manufactured "from Chuck Norris' tears which I harvested myself."

Secondly, Mr. Warner promised that he plans to solve all the world's energy problems by devising a system by which all petroleum-fueled means of transportation can be converted to run on unaltered seawater. The promised result will not only completely solve the problem of global warming but also dismantle Middle Eastern oil cartels thus bringing true and lasting peace to that troubled region.

Mr. Warner then read from a lengthy list of additional promises, all of which he guarantees will become reality within the next decade. This list of promises includes:

- Stabilizing the world economy and entering a new era of global prosperity by changing all world currencies from paper bills and metal coins to small handfuls of dirt.

- As an added benefit to his Cash-for-Topsoil program which will immediately end all poverty, Mr. Warner promises a 92.6% reduction in all crime.

His list also includes:

- Designing a Windows operating system that will absolutely never crash, fail, or otherwise function improperly.

- Announcing who really killed JFK.

- Collaborating with Joss Whedon in writing and filming 74 new episodes of the cult TV show Firefly.

- Totally eliminating the tendency for humans to get hungry again only a short time after eating Chinese food.

- Turning Paris Hilton into an Oscar-caliber actress after she commits herself to a lifetime of celibacy. This forthcoming vow of chastity will effectively remove seven rare and potentially deadly venereal diseases -two of which had hitherto only been found in reptiles- from circulation.

- Declaring traffic jams and stressful morning commutes as unconstitutional thus making the nation's roadways nearly 300% more efficient.

- Installing escalators to the summits of both K2 and Mt. Everest.

- Outlawing popped collars, tilted headgear, and all other common forms of "douchebaggery."

- Giving the State of California as a gift to all the illegal immigrants in the U.S. so they can have a place of their own.

- Reconciling the Bloods and Crips street gangs with one another through the use of large-scale dodgeball tournaments and homemade PowerPoint presentations.

- Convincing Brett Favre to quit football for good.

- Enlisting bipartisan cooperation in the successful banning of mullets.

While it's true, not one of the above promises made by Mr. Warner has yet come to fruition, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee was so overwhelmed by the good intentions of Mr. Warner that they referred to the various alleged future successes as "virtual certainties."

Upon obtaining a transcript of Mr. Warner's speech, the committee needed only a few moments of deliberation before calling President Obama and instructing him to "not bother coming to Oslo" to accept the award.

Mr. Warner took no questions from the press following his noteworthy announcement but it's obvious his docket will be full for some time to come. Later he was photographed at his ease reading a firearms and hunting magazine, resting from what could only be described as a brutal day of toil to advance the cause of world peace.


The AP has since learned that Mr. Warner is planning to invest the $1.4M cash portion of the Nobel Peace Prize award into a local business in his home state of Ohio. The mysterious project this money will fund is as yet known only by its insider code-phrase: "The Forty-Five/Ninety-Five."

2,665 Posts
Good laugh.

Premium Member
618 Posts
:D Let's face it, your promised endeavors out number what the current recipient has to offer. :D
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