Tool Definitions

Discussion in 'HPFF Comedy' started by jaxfl, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. Tool Definitions

    SKIL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
    major refinishing jobs.




    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
    with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
    from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh, Will easily
    wind a tee shirt off your back.

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
    out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
    across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
    set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    Channel Locks:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
    transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
    you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
    else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
    the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and
    creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out
    of which you want to remove a bearing race.




    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
    testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
    new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large
    pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut
    on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at
    amputations.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the stuff you forgot
    to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
    used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
    screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.




    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
    to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    PVC PIPE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
    kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
    object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
    to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
    records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
    rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
    only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the
    emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
     
  2. Bull

    Bull Just a Man Supporting Member

    Dead on assessments....
     

  3. moona11

    moona11 King of you Monkeys Lifetime Supporter

    That was dead on.
     
  4. Think1st

    Think1st Supporting Member

    8,960
    2,472
    Florida
    I can't think of anything more accurate than that.
     
  5. thundercroozer

    thundercroozer Supporting Member

    701
    274
    Technical definition of a ballpeen hammer, as defined by my 7th grade metal shop teacher.

    " this is a ballpeen hammer, the flat face is for making round things flat.. The ball end is for making flat things round... Not for peening your buddies in the balls with "